Noelle Clark: Author, Aussie, brave woman, and hilarious. "Tell me about Australians," I asked her politely, wedging her in half-nelson (a wrestling hold in which one arm is passed under the opponent's arm from behind and the hand is applied to the neck). 

"Share with the world what makes the wonderful Aussies tick, or rather tock--given this blog series is about what not to do. "

And, great balls of titanium that she has, Noelle rose to the challenge with spectacular aplomb. Want to survive the famed Aussie barbie, unaffronted and with your head still on your shoulders? Noelle shares how with: 

1.     Barbecues (barbies) are a big part of Australian culture. If invited to a barbecue in Australia, you'll find that they're a fun and popular social gathering. It’s an unwritten law that the barbie will be BYOG. This means that all guests will bring their own grog. NEVER attend a barbie without your own beer or wine. You will immediately be branded a cheap arsed wanker and a bludger.

“Are these popular Aussie terms of affection?” I asked, keen to take note of the correct form of address. (Noelle continued on with her lesson, and I might have believed she hadn’t heard, but from the look she gave me, I must assume I have earned my very own term of endearment)

Also, if the invitation says “bring a plate”, don’t assume that the hosts are short of crockery. This term means you should take a plate with food on it to share.

2.     When you are introduced to other guests at the barbie, you will often be greeted with phrases such as: “Owyagoinmate?” or “Howtheyhanginmate?” Don’t be alarmed, thinking they are speaking a different language. Prepare responses beforehand – here are some universal replies to the above greetings: “Good mate good.” (Note the repetition. It serves as a signal that you really are good, and not just saying it. If accompanied by a slight nod of the head, it’s even more convincing.) And “Bonzer, mate.” (Although ‘bonzer’ is a bit old fashioned now and if you say it, the Aussies will think you’re taking the piss). A more contemporary way to tell them that you are well is just to say, “Ace mate.” NEVER tell them if you aren’t well. They don’t care. If you go on about your crook back or weak bladder problems, they’ll brand you a wanker or a tosser, and you’ll be on your own all night.

3.     NEVER call soccer ‘football’. You’ll be caught up in an argument all bloody night. Fair dinkum you will. Similarly, if you’re from the UK, best not to raise the subject of cricket.

4.     If you hear someone call out, “Will someone feed those bloody ankle biters to shut them up,” don’t be alarmed. They are not dingoes or other dangerous, wild dogs. Ankle biters are children. NEVER stand between a group of ankle biters and a table of food – especially when the dessert comes out. Ankle biters at an Aussie barbie will mow you down to get to the pav and choccie crackles.

(Sorry, not asking what a pac or crackles are—one endearment an interview is enough for me)

5.     NEVER take offence at your parentage if someone approaches you, a stubby of beer stuffed into a poly-rubber stubby cooler in one hand, then slaps you on the shoulder and says, “Hey ya bastard, you right for piss?” The gentleman is merely calling you a bastard as a term of endearment, and is offering you some beer. Notes for the glossary: a piss up is any gathering where people imbibe alcohol, and a stubby (contrary to where your mind might have wandered, is a can of beer).

These five tips about things you must NEVER do at an Aussie barbie are merely scratching the surface of social etiquette. Each of the six states and two territories that make up the Land of Oz have their own lingo, quirks, and ways of doing things. Here’s a link to a dictionary of words you may encounter on your visit to Australia. And when you do come to visit, avabloodygoodtimemate.

http://www.koalanet.com.au/australian-slang.html

Now, Noelle, (author and funny lady), will be back in the future to share some more insights into the great Aussie mind-set and culture—I’ve already got my full nelson planned—but in the meantime you’d do well to learn more from her, because Aussies travel. Far and wide and unexpectedly. (I believe they call it going ‘walkabout’.)  .....And thanks for being with us, Noelle. Your insights will save a few lives.

Buy links:

- Etopia Press
- Amazon
- Barnes & Noble
- All Romance Ebooks
- Kobo
- Booktopia

Rosamanti

Blurb:

Fate drew her to Rosamanti. Love made her stay…

After the death of her husband, best-selling mystery author Sarah Halliman has lost her desire for just about everything. Desperate to break out of her funk and rediscover herself, she answers a newspaper advertisement--For lease: Isolated villa on Capri, Italy. Must love cats. Traveling alone to the beautiful island of Capri, she locates Villa Rosamanti, a gorgeous 400-year-old dwelling nestled in the hillside of Monte Tiberio. Above it lies Villa Jovis, the 2000-year-old villa of Emperor Tiberius, ripe with history and intrigue.

Sarah soon discovers a strong resonance with Rosamanti and its gardens and quirky pets. She begins to feel a deep connection to Elena Lombardi, the deceased owner. But it’s not just the villa Sarah’s fallen in love with. Elena’s grandson, Pietro, is handsome and charming, the epitome of the passionate Italian. His dream is to own a restaurant of his own, but such dreams are for wealthier men.

Between the sparks that Pietro kindles in Sarah’s heart—and her kitchen—and the mystery of nearby Villa Jovis, Sarah’s muse begins to stir. She senses stories in the ancient stones, and romance in the phosphorescent blue waters of the Blue Grotto. But when her curiosity takes her to Elena’s library, a child’s notes and maps lead Sarah to a mystery that could be the answer to everyone’s prayers—or perhaps, be the destruction of everything they hold dear…

Contact Noelle here:

·      Website www.noelleclark.net

·      Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NoelleClark.Author

·      Twitter @noelle_clark

·      Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Noelle-Clark/e/B00CENUDLC

Any excuse to party? Absolutely. So when the lovely EVE DEVON let it slip that her book THE WAITING GAME was a year old, I naturally seized the opportunity to celebrate with her.

I'll invite the vikings, I promised. Shehanne Moore won't mind. Oh, and a few dragons...Jane Hunt is always up for a party. And Tabitha Rayne--she always brings naughty to an occasion. My own, Anna Key can be counted on to attend, she once put the 'art' into party animal. And I'll persuade Jodi Linton to bring along a few modern day cowboys, on condition she gets the sexy Laney Briggs to police them. It'll be a blast I assured Eve, but now I'm handing over to you, because in exchange I want a post, some advice. Advice on 5 Things Never To Do To A....

Never introduce sarcasm – it will have zero affect: 
     It had been three days since she’d asked Cam where, specifically, in the security training manual it stated that if a psycho stalker had been released from prison, going “glamping” was a viable option.
     Ignoring her outburst, he’d told her that psychologically, it was important they lay down their marker and wait. She couldn’t help wondering if while he was waiting—studying Spinks’s moves with his team—that psychologically, Cam was also studying her and her reaction to Spinks’s release. As if he was waiting for her to pass some sort of test.

Never expect him to get yoga: 
     And as he waited, he watched Brooke in the meadow, contorting her body into yet another pretzel-like shape in the name of relaxation. It was quite the sight, he thought, distracted as hell. The morning sun beat down heavily, making her skin glisten from sweat. At least she’d kept her promise to stay where he could see her from the yurt. He tracked her movements as she offered up her salute to the sun and suddenly found himself wanting to peel the sleeve of her soft gray T-shirt from her shoulder to see if the small musical note tattoo he’d been so drawn to from before was still there. As much as he’d cursed the damned tattoo for winking at him whenever she’d worn a strapless top or bikini, now he hoped it was still there. Waiting to surprise him. Waiting to tempt him. He swore to himself and tore his gaze away from her before he wound himself any tighter.

Eve Devon

Bio: Growing up in locations like Botswana and Venezuela gave me quite the taste for adventure and my love for romances began when my mother shoved one into my hands in a desperate attempt to keep me quiet during TV coverage of the Wimbledon tennis finals! When I wasn’t consuming books by the bucketload, I could be found pretending to be a damsel in distress or running around solving mysteries and writing down my adventures. As a teenager, I wrote countless episodes of TV detective dramas so the hero and heroine would end up together every week. As an adult, I worked in a library to conveniently continue consuming books by the bucketload, until realising I was destined to write contemporary romance and romantic suspense myself. I live in leafy Surrey in the UK, a book-devouring, slightly melodramatic, romance-writing sassy heroine with my very own sexy hero husband! 

Where you can find me:

 WEBSITE      TWITTER      FACEBOOK 

Continuing with my blog series on '5 Things never to do with/at/to.....',
hands up, I'll happily devour erotica, especially when its beautifully written. I first read Tabitha Rayne's A Clockwork Butterfly about 700 books ago, and I have never gotten--that's a nod to my US friends--over the way she colours (no shading for this lady) with exquisite language.

Second hand up, I don't write erotica--though given Tabitha's advice below, who knows...some of it sounds downright fun.

Third hands up, yes, I shied away from illustrating this piece with anything other than the pretty abstract. Why? Well, there's the copyright issue for a start (and I wanted quality stuff), and then there's my firm belief of 'each to their own', my fantasies might not impress.

And now for Tabitha's  wisdom on 

Thanks for letting me share these special instructions Incy!

Having your own erotica writer can be a rewarding and exciting experience... however, get it wrong, and it can be horrifying. 

If you already have an erotica writer, or are thinking of getting one, I thought I'd put together this helpful list of things never to do – to make your life that little bit easier. I have specified female writers here, males may need different care.

1. Never expose your erotica writer to extremes of temperature which are not self induced. Erotica Writers are incredibly sensitive and unless they are experimenting or writing a particularly hot scene, must always maintain a steady temperature. A good tip is a cosy pair of bed socks – pink and fluffy work best, and there is still scope for looking saucy from the ankles up.
2. Never let your Erotica Writer get too hungry. Being creative can often mean that your EW will go long periods locked away in her writing shed barely taking breaks for food and drink. This can lead to mood swings and ultimate death if not addressed. A simple hot tea and sandwich left conveniently (yet silently) within arm's reach will alleviate any potential distress.
3. Never approach your Erotica Writer during the lead up to a raunchy scene (beware, this may be difficult to gauge and should under no circumstances be mistaken with rule 4) – A break in concentration at this time could prove fatal to any plot twist and would most certainly dissolve any kindling passion within a scene.
4. Never leave for work or some other trifling distraction when your Erotica Writer is approaching the climax to a very hot scene. She will need to pounce the second she hits the final full stop. Just let it happen – it will benefit all parties concerned.
5. Never, and I mean never EVER, pass up a chance to help your erotica writer with her research. ;)

Because she's quite charming and polite, Tabitha thanked me for welcoming her, but I prefer to thank her!  Also, it's only right that you should know a bit more about her and her new book:

Taking Flight by Tabitha Rayne
The prequel to A Clockwork Butterfly
Genre(s): Futuristic Erotic Romance
Amazon UK
Amazon .com
Beachwalk

BLURB

Lovers on the run in search of a bond that transcends all else.

Dr. Deborah Regan is a scientist working on a cure to the poison that's killing the male population and destroying the natural world. But when she makes a breakthrough in her research, it becomes clear that the authorities have no intention of finding a cure, and now that she's getting closer to an answer, she's a threat to them—a threat they need to deal with quickly.

Deborah and her partner, Marcus, flee to the forest where they meet another couple on the run. Birch and Hazel show them how to survive in the wild and teach them the theory of ultimate unity. They believe that by finding sexual nirvana at the point of intense orgasm, they will break through the barriers of physicality and become one.

It soon becomes apparent that Deborah has an aptitude for falling into this trance-like state, and she manages to bring Marcus on her journey. Their spirits can indeed join together at the meeting point, suspended in time and space while they climax.

When Birch and Hazel become jealous of the young couple's ease at reaching ultimate unity—something they've unsuccessfully tried to do for years—they betray Deborah and Marcus to the authorities. As they are separated, Marcus begs Deborah to continue to search for the ultimate sexual unity, because he's convinced that no matter where they are, this connection will allow them to meet again on a spiritual plane.

Will this metaphysical union be enough for a couple so deeply in love?

Content Warning: This book contains apocalyptic peril and graphic sexual content, including m/f and f/f sexual interaction, along with BSDM

Note: This book has been previously published.

Bio

Tabitha Rayne has been told she is quirky, lovely and kinky – not necessarily in that order or by the same person. She writes erotic romance and as long as there’s a love scene – she’ll explore any genre. 

Her short stories are included in anthologies from Cleis Press, Ravenous Romance, HarperCollins Mischief, Xcite, Oysters & Chocolate, Burning Books Press and House of Erotica. Her novella, Mia's Books won a Reader's Choice Award with TwoLips reviews. Taking Flight is the second book in The Clockwork Butterfly trilogy from Beachwalk Press.

Tabitha also has a passion for art and takes great pleasure in painting nude ladies.

TabithaRayne.co.uk
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Ella and I were mong the first to be published by Beachwalk when it opened it's lovely doors 3 years ago! There will be birthday fun so check back on the Beachwalk site to find out more x x

‘Gonna have me some dragon tonight’—earthy words one would certainly be shocked to hear when setting out for the night on the pull. Except in romantic fiction. That wonderfully strange and much misunderstood place where, if done right (with brilliant characterization and layer upon layer of emotional challenge) even shagging a tree can seem not just normal, but positively envied.

A T-Rex with wings and demonized in the West, a serpent and revered in the East, scaly and fire-breathing, red, black, blue, green or white, dragons don’t exactly have the best rep in the visually attractive stakes, but there is no denying that when it comes to the sexy rankings, they are right up there with the best of the phallic gods—thanks to, yes, romantic fiction.

My guest today, Jane Hunt, creator of the Dragon Legacy Series, has certainly hoisted dragons up the sex league and I’m relieved that she’s agree to share with us her sage advice on:

1.     Never travel on a bus with a dragon - You wouldn't make that mistake I hear you comment, but what if the dragon was disguised by his human form?  The Dragon Legacy's heroine Fleur shuddered when asked about this, saying "They take up too much room. I ended up in a dragon's lap through no fault of my own, and that's not all, they have a tendency to set alight everyone they come in contact with. My first meeting with a dragon on bus left me with scorch marks."

2.     Never play murder mystery with a dragon - they upstage the humans and turn the game into an apocalyptic reality show where the players are dragons and demons and the murders are real.

3.     Never share a kiss with a dragon - No danger of that is there, after all, they are not the most attractive of creatures with their reptilian looks. What if your dragon has hypnotic golden eyes and blue-black hair and a hard body honed by centuries of demon slaying? Now you see my problem, but be warned. Though the dragon may be hidden, the fire burns brightly, and kiss the dragon and the flames will lick their way to your heart.

4.     Never go flying with a dragon - Now you might be forgiven for thinking that flying with a dragon would be one of the safer things you could undertake, but what if your dragon exists as a human and that's the one who wants to fly you into oblivion? Makes you think doesn't it? Even if you trust them enough to leave the safety of the ground the flight itself has many inherent dangers, especially if the dragon is hot and I don't mean fire-breathing!

5.     Never share your thoughts with a dragon - If you don't believe dragons exist outside of fairytales, I caution you against sharing this belief. Dragons are proud creatures and have many ways of making you believe in them. If you deny their existence they will steal into your mind until you accept the truth.

For a copy of 
The Dragon Legacy by Jane Hunt

Available from: 
Crimson Frost Books 
 Amazon.com 
 Amazon UK 
 Barnes & Noble 
SmashWords 
All Romance E-books 
Add on: 
 Goodreads 
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Right, thanks for that Jane. I've taken note--no buses (moi? as if), no scoffing unless you have a desire to be toast...smeared with honey, lightly golden, yup, I think I could go with that...

To connect with Jane (well worth it because she is lovely)

E-mail Address Jane Hunt

  Jane Hunt Writer Website

Jane Hunt Facebook

Jane Hunt Writer Facebook Page

The Dragon Legacy Facebook Page

Jane Hunt Writer Book Reviews Facebook Page

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Goodreads

 Jane Hunt Pinterest

Jane Hunt Google+

My Books Google+ Page

Jane Hunt Writer Book Reviews Google+ Page 

Add 'The Dragon Legacy' to your Goodreads

Firstly I want to thank the amazing  Incy Black for (that tenner she sent me earlier)  asking me here today on her superb new blog feature. Five things not to do with a Viking.

Sorry, maybe I should specify before you get too excited here, haul off your undies and otherwise start waving them,  it’s five things not to do with various things, people, whatever. You’ve got the Viking and you’ve got me because having been through pirates and hot Scots I thought let’s bring on the Vikings.  Sort of, anyway. 

So, having researched them for my present manuscript in the making, what five things do I suggest NEVER doing with a Viking? Well, maybe we should ask Malice, she’s only the poor, little heroine, who gets to spend a lot of time with them after all. Malice…kid,  or should I say,

I was lucky, I had the book…although having said that it was no real advantage once I was actually there, in Scandinavia with them. To do to them is one thing. The list there might be endless and include things like using their helmet as a cooking pot, or vying for their attention against other women on a longship. It’s not the best place. They rock…the longships that is… and well, let’s just say it really depends on how good a sailor you are. But if you’re not, it then depends on how nice a Viking they are.

However this is categorically five things never to do with them. So, having been strengthened by my ordeal, the advice I would give my Strictly girls is…. 

1  Never get in a kissing bout with them. Vikings are not only seriously over-sexed, they are also seriously good at dragging you upstairs. They may pretend this is only to annoy the hell out of their fiancées, let me tell you they are all of them, without exception, excellent liars, they are hot ones too, who really don’t care how much the bed creaks. In fact they want it to creak.

4 Under no circumstances should you ever have actual sex with them. They are not only notoriously hot and greedy, they don’t even care if they’ve just dragged you from the foaming waves. This plays havoc, not just with the cushion you may have stuck up your dress in a bid to make out you are pregnant, but it could ensure you are.  What is more you may have no idea where you are going to end up. The best thing if a Viking wants to have sex with you, is to pretend you are a walrus, or infuriate him, by cooking seaweed in his helmet. Alternatively you could just pretend to be asleep.  




5 Be shipwrecked with them. Especially not with an icy but hotly sexy one, with a ton of baggage. You just might fall in love and it could be very tricky.   

       

Loving Lady Lazuli

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The Unraveling of Lady Fury

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His Judas Bride

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