Hazardous Idea #1: Give anti-advice--not what one should do, but what one should, categorically, absolutely, cup-your-precious-parts, NOT DO.
Hazardous Idea #2: Why should I take all the blame? Why not let others chance their reps?
And, so birthed the idea for a new blog series, '5 Things You Should Never Do...' written by the intrepid, the daring, the oh-well-what's-the-worst-that-can-happen incautious....otherwise known as Writerly Guests. And guess who was first to volunteer (no coercion necessary--much), Shehanne Moore, writer of historical romance in extremis, to share sound anti-advice related to her current project: VIKINGS. So handing over to her.....
5 Things You Should Never Do...With A VIKING
Firstly I want to thank the amazing Incy Black for (that tenner she sent me earlier) asking me here today on her superb new blog feature. Five things not to do with a Viking.
Sorry, maybe I should specify before you get too excited here, haul off your undies and otherwise start waving them, it’s five things not to do with various things, people, whatever. You’ve got the Viking and you’ve got me because having been through pirates and hot Scots I thought let’s bring on the Vikings. Sort of, anyway.
So, having researched them for my present manuscript in the making, what five things do I suggest NEVER doing with a Viking? Well, maybe we should ask Malice, she’s only the poor, little heroine, who gets to spend a lot of time with them after all. Malice…kid, or should I say,
What do yah think?
What would you tell the Strictly Business galz in your employ, never to do with a Viking?
2 Never share any kind of bed with them. If you are so unfortunate as to find yourself in this position through no fault of your own, do not, under any circumstances suggest any fancy moves to them, especially when they’ve had a few noggins of ale at their best buddy’s homestead. That is asking for absolute trouble. I won’t say how. Only that it might involve a slave’s collar and being sold. Just lie far away from them and face the wall in the hope they won’t notice you. That way you won’t be going to the slave market in the morning.
3 Sharing any kind of bath is also an absolute no no.
Again, this is a ploy on their part to pretend to make their fiancées jealous. They may even pretend that is the sole reason they are carrying you in to their bathhouses. They may even pretend that you stink. Do not fall for this. Without fail they will then bar the door, make you take off all your clothes and refuse all offers to give you other ones. They may even make you walk barefoot across a yard in their tunic. So if one should throw you over his shoulder, you know where to kick him. Don’t think twice. Just do it.
4 Under no circumstances should you ever have actual sex with them. They are not only notoriously hot and greedy, they don’t even care if they’ve just dragged you from the foaming waves. This plays havoc, not just with the cushion you may have stuck up your dress in a bid to make out you are pregnant, but it could ensure you are. What is more you may have no idea where you are going to end up. The best thing if a Viking wants to have sex with you, is to pretend you are a walrus, or infuriate him, by cooking seaweed in his helmet. Alternatively you could just pretend to be asleep.
5 Be shipwrecked with them. Especially not with an icy but hotly sexy one, with a ton of baggage. You just might fall in love and it could be very tricky.
And, you can extend your education with Shehanne Moore here: